


40. the big bang theory

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [74]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:00:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8018545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. “Sarah,” she says, “we make a family, yes?”</p><p>“I’ve already got a family,” Sarah says, and she pulls the trigger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	40. the big bang theory

**Author's Note:**

> [warnings: helena gets shot a lot, amelia's corpse is there & bloody]
> 
> This is for herbwelch, who politely requested "more time travel-y ones."
> 
> _I said to the the sun_  
>  _“Tell me about the big bang”_  
>  _The sun said_  
>  _“it hurts to become”_

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. Helena’s mouth saying: _family_. Helena’s heart saying: _not again, not again, not again._

“I’ve already got a family,” Sarah says, and Helena says “Wait—”

But she’s too late. Again.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She steps forward fast, grabs the gun, bends it down, grabs Sarah by the collar of her jacket and slams her against the pillar. Sarah’s back makes a sad _whumph_ noise and she groans, low in her chest.

“Stop doing this,” Helena growls in her face. “Stop. I won’t die, sister. Nothing will stop us from being together.”

Sarah spits in her face and the shock of it is enough to make Helena’s grip loosen, just for a moment—

And it’s enough.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She says, bewildered: “Ow.”

Sarah pulls the trigger.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She screams – she can’t help it. Then she dives to the left, behind the pillar, before the gun can go off; she lands on Amelia’s body, slams its head against the pillar for something to do with all of her anger. She can hear Sarah getting up off the ground, and she stumbles to standing, and by the time she has Sarah is pointing the gun at her and all of Helena’s anger is, abruptly, gone.

She raises her hands, slowly – _I’m unarmed, please don’t hurt me_. It’s bad, probably, that the whole front of her is covered in Amelia’s blood.

“You psycho,” Sarah hisses, “you bloody psycho.” She fires.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She takes three steps back. She puts her hands up. She says: “I don’t know what you want.”

“I don’t want you to _hurt anybody_ ,” Sarah gasps, and she’s already reaching for her gun, and Helena’s chest sings with phantom bullet wounds, and she says – frantic – “I won’t!”

Sarah blinks at her. She doesn’t lower the gun. “Helena,” she says, voice horribly gentle, “you don’t know how to not hurt people.”

“Teach me,” Helena says, voice awful and desperate. She risks another step forward – the gun twitches – she doesn’t move anymore. “Please, sister, help me.”

“Don’t,” Sarah says sharply. “Don’t – come any closer.” Her hand is shaking on the gun. Helena could step forward and nudge it down, just a little, pull Sarah to standing and towards the sun. She doesn’t.

“I want us to be together,” she whispers. “Everything I did was for us, Sarah. _Sestra_. Everything.”

“That’s not true,” Sarah says sadly, and she pulls the trigger.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She holds out her hand. Helena’s hand: held out. Sarah’s hand: the gun.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “This is the last time, sister.”

“No it isn’t,” Sarah says. “What’s next? You go after the others, ‘cause they’re my sisters too? You go after Kira?”

“ _No_ ,” Helena roars, shocked and horrified, and takes a step forward, and

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She can’t help herself: she starts crying. It hurts, every time. She wishes she could stop remembering. She wishes she could die, and have it be permanent, if it would hurt less than this.

“Do it,” she says, wiping the tears from her face. “Do it. Aim for the right side, sister, end this.”

“What?” Sarah says, eyes wide, eyes terrified.

“My heart,” Helena says, and thumps the heel of her hand against her chest. “It’s here. Please. I’m tired, Sarah. I’m tired of trying to solve this when it won’t be solved. It’s too late. I ruined us. Please, _sestra_ , pull the trigger.”

Sarah lifts the gun up again. Helena steps forward, crouches; the gun drives into her breastbone.

“Please,” she whispers.

Sarah just stares at her; Helena can feel the trembling of her hand through the gun and through Helena’s bones and through Helena’s heart. Her mouth gapes open a little bit, like she’s going to speak.

Then, savage-fast, she sits up and cracks the butt of the gun across Helena’s forehead.

\--

Helena’s head hurts and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. She blinks rapidly.

“You didn’t shoot me,” she says.

“I should have,” Sarah says. Helena blinks at her. She remembers – and Helena didn’t realize until now how important it was that Sarah remembers. She wants to sit down on the ground next to Sarah and have Sarah explain everything to her. She wants Sarah to make her understand.

“I should never have let you out of that cage,” Sarah continues, and disappointment goes _bang_ in Helena’s chest.

“Why did you, then,” she says. Her voice is exhausted, she can hear it. She’s so tired.

“I don’t _know_ ,” Sarah yells. Then her voice goes quiet again. “I don’t know.”

“You do,” Helena says. “And you won’t tell me why.” She’s angry again – she’d forgotten how angry she was, before, the sort of anger that wraps your hands around your sister’s throat.

“Because I love you!” Sarah says, anguished, like it’s a confession of a terrible thing. Like it’s a bullet, and she’s firing it.

“I know,” Helena whispers. “Please, sister, put down the gun.”

“I can’t,” Sarah says, shaking her head, frantic. “You said you could feel it, that we’re supposed to be together, but can’t you – can’t you tell you’re not s’posed to leave here? That only one of us is walking out of here alive?”

“No,” Helena says, Helena pleads, “Sarah, I’ll be better, Sarah I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sarah says helplessly, and she pulls the trigger.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. “Sarah,” she says, voice empty and hollow and tired, “we make a family, yes?”

“I’ve already got a family,” Sarah says, and she pulls the trigger.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. “Sarah,” she says again, “we make a family, yes?”

“I’ve already got a family,” Sarah says, and she pulls the trigger.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. “Sarah,” she says, “we make a family, yes?”

“I’ve already got a family,” Sarah says, and she pulls the trigger.

\--

The bullet hits Helena’s chest and here she is, again, standing over Sarah. “Sarah,” she says, and then stops, and then sits down on the ground, and then lies down. The ceiling is black. She’s never looked up before.

On the ground next to her Sarah starts laughing, a high giddy sound. “What,” she says, and then again: “What—”

“I don’t know,” Helena tells the ceiling. “It all made sense before. I would take mother away, because she hurt us, and then there would be nothing but you and me. And then – I don’t know. I would know how to not be me, and how to be you instead, and then we would eat ice cream, and I would kill anyone you wanted me to, and we would be happy.

“I didn’t mean to get so angry,” she whispers. “But it was supposed to _fix_ things, and it _didn’t_.”

“That’s not how that works,” Sarah says, sounding bewildered. Helena hears the sound of her sitting up. “Killing people you don’t like doesn’t – fix things, Helena.”

“It always did before,” Helena whispers. Then she blinks, rapidly, and also sits up.

“So you can’t kill me,” she says. “Because that doesn’t fix anything.”

Sarah stares at her. Then she stares at the gun. Then she stares at Helena. Helena can’t help herself: she also starts laughing, horrible screeching giggles.

“What the hell else do I do?” Sarah says, sounding unsure whether she’s asking Helena or herself. “What do I _do_ with you, Helena?”

“Come with me,” Helena says. “Eat ice cream. I won’t – hurt the others, if you don’t want me to. Not them, or Kira, or anybody.” She rests her head on her folded-up knees, looks at Sarah sideways. “I just want to be with you,” she says, and her voice is quiet and small.

Sarah looks at her in a way that looks like pleading. Helena can’t help herself: she scoots a little closer, across the ground, almost close enough to touch. Sarah’s finger tenses on the trigger, but – she still hasn’t pulled it yet. Not yet. And maybe, this time, that will be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> ...or maybe it won't :)
> 
> Anyways! Thanks for reading, please kudos + comment if you enjoyed!


End file.
